What I’m Watching: Love over a bucket of chickenDate: 12/21/2020 What I’m Watching: an unlikely suitor trying his hand – but failing miserably – at a Christmas love story.
On Lifetime/YouTube: “A Recipe for Seduction”
I’m speechless.
What on earth did I just watch?
Of course, I’m not speechless for long. My instant reaction that I shared with my coworkers after watching Lifetime’s new original mini–movie, “A Recipe for Seduction,” which is a collaboration with KFC (yes, Kentucky Fried Chicken,) was, “If there is one piece of advice I could pass on to the younger generation, it would be to not watch this movie.”
Standard disclaimer: I am the biggest proponent for hokey Christmas love stories. There is nothing I enjoy more than a predictable, Hallmark-style holiday movie where two unsuspecting people have a meet-cute, fall in love absurdly fast, something happens that separates the two and makes them briefly dislike one another, and ends in engagement – or better yet – a wedding. These types of films are my kryptonite. This is my cross to bear.
With that said ... I simply cannot get behind “A Recipe for Seduction.”
The short film premiered on Lifetime on Dec. 13, and was the subject of much discussion, as the film follows the love story of Colonel Harland Sanders (Mario Lopez) as he falls for newly-broke and freshly proposed to by another man Jessica Mancera (Justine Alpert). Following its premiere on Lifetime, the 15-minute mini movie was released to YouTube on KFC’s page.
If readers truly feel like wasting 15 minutes of their lives and watching the movie, stop reading this review now, as I will be spoiling the entirety of the film. Come back after you’ve watched it, and I can almost guarantee that you won’t disagree with my synopsis.
The film starts showing a gorgeous, mansion-style home complete with a fountain. We then pan into a dining room, complete with floor to ceiling stained glass windows, a stunning gold and crystal chandelier, a dining room table adorned with stately champagne flutes, gold plated china dishes, bottles of expensive wine and...a gold bowl filled with fried chicken.
Billy Garibaldi III (Chad Doreck) reveals himself to be Jessica’s boyfriend, and at the dinner surrounded by her mother and her best friend Lee (Martin Mandela), Billy proposes. Instantly we can tell Jessica is uncomfortable with this. She notes that she’s “speechless,” and asks Billy why he is putting her on the spot. She explains she needs time to think, and runs off from the dinner.
Presumably the next day, Jessica – looking confused and defeated – goes to chat with her mother Bunny (Tessa Munro). She explains that she does not want to marry Billy, however Bunny explains that Jessica “has to” marry Billy because the family has no money. Jessica’s late father left them with nothing but bills, and they will lose their house in a month if she doesn’t marry Billy and get his family money.
This is where I started to get really annoyed, because at the dinner the night prior, Bunny explained to everyone that the delicious fried chicken was the work of their “new chef,” which turns out to be – you guessed it – Colonel Harland Sanders. You’re telling me that you’re completely broke, but you hired a new live-in chef? Okay.
The most remarkable part about this mini movie is that it is less than 15 minutes long – thank goodness – because a minute more and I don’t think I could’ve taken it. With that said, considering the film is only 15 minutes, this love story is expedited which makes it even more ridiculous than a love story about Colonel Sanders would normally be.
I think what sets me off the most is that in typical love story holiday films, we can see the characters falling in love. They’re usually shown on a series of dates, or we can see them interacting in multiple scenarios where we see the pair have a connection. In “A Recipe for Seduction,” Jessica and Colonel Harland Sanders first lock eyes when Harland comes to share a menu with Bunny. The two have the most awkward eye contact I’ve ever seen – which is supposed to portray love at first sight – but just comes off strange and uncomfortable.
In the next scene, Jessica seeks out Harland and offers him a tour of the property, which Bunny disapprovingly watches from afar. On their short walk around the property, Jessica is sharing her confusion about her proposal to Billy with Harland. She realizes she’s been dominating the conversation, so she asks Harland about himself. He responds that he doesn’t have much to share, but he has a “secret recipe that’s going to change the world.” That’s the power of KFC, y’all. Changing the world, one drumstick at a time.
Billy shows up to the property and interrupts Jessica and Harland’s chat by aggressively grabbing Jessica’s arm and complaining that not only did she not accept his proposal, but now she was ignoring his calls. Harland interjects in an attempt to protect Jessica, and Billy calls Harland “crouton.”
The big line of the movie for Colonel Harland Sanders?
“Don’t call me crouton.”
The movie continues on and essentially after Bunny overhears her daughter speaking with Lee – sharing that she has fallen in love with the new chef – Bunny takes matters into her own hands and seeks out Billy. Bunny shares with scorned Billy that she overheard Jessica is falling for Harland. Billy laughs in an over dramatic, terrible acting way. We then find out that evidently, Bunny and Billy had a “long weekend in the Vineyard” together, and she promises Billy that if he marries Jessica, there will be “more long weekends” for the two to spend with each other.
Oh, come on! Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, mom is sleeping with her daughter's boyfriend.
Unaware, Bunny does not realize that Lee was witness to her uncomfortable–for–viewers conversation with Billy. Lee comes to tell Jessica of her mom's affair, at the same time, Billy finds Harland’s secret chicken recipe and attempts to pay off Harland to disappear for $500,000. Bunny whacks Lee over the head with a broom and traps him somewhere to prevent him from sharing the secret.
Later, Jessica explains to Harland that she’s in love with him – despite the fact that it’s been about 24 hours since they met – and the two kiss. Bunny is witness to this intimate moment, and immediately calls Billy to tell him they “have a problem.”
The next day, Jessica tries to share with her mother that she’s decided she will not marry Billy as she is in love with Harland. Bunny explains that Harland “left the night before in a hurry.” Jessica decides to go on a walk outside, and while she’s gazing into the abyss looking forlorn, she overhears muffled screaming. What do you know – it’s Harland trapped in a basement-like room with tape over his mouth tied to a chair.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed because this movie leaves nothing to the imagination, it was Billy and Bunny who captured Harland. Billy paces the room with a knife while Jessica watches on, doing seemingly nothing but is still terrified nonetheless. Bunny runs in and tells Billy to kill Harland, but Lee pops out of nowhere and whacks Billy over the head with the same broom that Bunny whacked him over the head with the day before.
Bunny gets knocked into a shelf.
Harland and Jessica reunite.
They get married one year later.
The movie ends on Bunny in “Serenity Falls Health and Wellness Center,” which appears to be an insane asylum. Billy comes to visit her. He’s eating fried chicken.
We’re left on a cliffhanger: “Well?” Bunny says to Billy. He responds, “I found them.”
The movie is over.
I can’t believe that I wrote a two-page synopsis about a 15-minute Lifetime movie that involved KFC. This is time that I can never get back.
Here are some worth-it (at least to me) holiday love stories to watch:
On Netflix:
• “Dash & Lily”
• “Holiday in the Wild”
• “Operation Christmas Drop”
• “Christmas with a View”
• “A Christmas Prince”
• “A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding”
• “A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby”
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