What I’m watching: the worst movies of the yearDate: 1/2/2024 As we begin a new year, I’d like to take a fond journey back to reflect on all the tremendous titles from theaters this year. But first, I wanted to issue a vital warning to readers.
Below is a list of films you must avoid at all costs. Side effects include disorientation, bafflement and a two-hour void of your time.
“Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey”
The movie that everyone speculated whether it was real or not is unsurprisingly a shoddy endeavor. “Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey” attempts to infuse an R-rated spin on the whimsical family tale. Is there merit to this approach outside of mere shock value? In the hands of this filmmaking team, not really.
On a narrative front, “Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey” feels like a napkin sketch of a screenplay. There is potential on paper for a macabre version of Winnie the Pooh — a narrative that distorts the source material’s good-natured cheer in favor of a parable on lost innocence. In execution, the film boasts no ambition other than providing a thinly-connected series of kills. Narrative threads, like the return of an adult Christopher Robin, go nowhere of interest, while the dearth of humor or personality on display fails to inject a sense of B-movie charm.
“Blood and Honey’s” writer/director Rhys Frake-Waterfield has promised to make more R-rated slashers from public domain characters. I hope he has fun making these features, as I certainly will not be watching them!
“Big George Foreman: The Miraculous Story of the Once and Future Heavyweight Champion of the World”
Like many wayward biopics before it, “Big George Foreman: The Miraculous Story of the Once and Future Heavyweight Champion of the World” stumbles into the ring as a vacant shadow of its subject. In this case, it is boxer/grill enthusiast George Foreman, whose legacy is mercilessly butchered by the biopic formula.
The film is just as clunky as its ungainly title would suggest, striking a generic one-two punch that will leave viewers knocked out from sheer boredom.
I struggle to understand why Hollywood never learns from the countless failures of the biopic subgenre. Instead of potentially subverting the tired trends, “Big George Foreman” embraces every cliche in the book. It’s almost like the team involved studied a formula to produce the most soulless and sanitized film imaginable.
Out of all the bland and bloated biopics I saw this year, “Big George Foreman” certainly wins the gold belt for sinking to unfathomable new lows.
“Five Nights at Freddy’s”
Even as the ultimate video game movie apologist, “Five Nights at Freddy’s” left me cold. The film adaptation of the beloved horror series renders more yawns than screams. It is a limp, personality-free feature that ignores its source material’s signature charms to concoct a sterile, easily digestible product solely designed to line studio executives’ extravagant pockets.
I struggle even to call this a horror movie because there are no remotely scary moments. I understand “Freddy’s” is a brand for teenagers, but that did not stop the video game series from striking fear in players at every turn with impactful jump scares and unsettling images. Instead, the movie spends half of its runtime misguidedly transforming Freddy and his robot peers into cutesy creations in a shameless marketing ploy by the studio. Once the carnage ensues, the supposed “horror” moments are devoid of tension, style or any other noteworthy qualities.
I would rather spend five nights being chased around by killer robots at Freddy’s decrepit funhouse than be subjected to another minute of this lame-duck adaptation.
“The Flash”
“The Flash” marks a new nadir in the modern DC Extended Universe. This lightning-quick yet emotionally vacant feature races toward many well-entrenched comic book staples in a disjointed and oppressively cynical fashion.
“The Flash” makes it abundantly clear why DC is choosing to hit the hard reset button on their cinematic universe. Like other recent DC failures, “Black Adam” and “Shazam! Fury of the Gods,” the film is desperate to please yet only attempts to do so through cheap gimmicks and a lethargic embrace of superhero formula. At least the DC Extended Universe’s swan song, “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom,” was OK!
The Streaming Poo Poo Platter
Are you in the mood for a clumsy comedy (“Best Christmas Ever!,” “You People” and “Old Dads)? What about a toothless horror film (“The Pale Blue Eyes” and “Totally Killer”)? Maybe you are more drawn in by big-budget titles that deliver nothing more than boring bombast (“Ghosted” and “Murder Mystery 2”)? Whatever your preference for bad movies is, the multitude of streaming services have you covered!
Sure, a few accomplished streaming titles slip from the cracks. I give AppleTV+ ample credit for curating a catalog driven by quality over quantity (“Napoleon,” “Killers of the Flower Moon” and “Tetris” are a few examples). Unfortunately, a vast majority of streaming titles come across as fake movies. They may boast movie star appeal and an alluring concept, yet so many follow a cookie-cutter blueprint that only produces aggressively forgettable results.
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