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| Editor's Note: These monthly columns on parenting issues are written by Deb Cohen, associate director of the Early Childhood Program at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. She holds a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education. Send your questions to Dcohen@springfieldjcc.org and look for the answer here. Dear Debbie, I hope you can help me. I have two grown children, both married with children of their own. Both of my kids call upon me to baby-sit quite often. This is truly one of the joys of my life. The problem is that my daughter and I are often on opposite ends of the child-rearing fence. I believe in giving children rules and encouraging them to be followed. My daughter on the other hand, allows her children (ages 5 and7) do what ever they please. This means that the children decide what the family is going to do and even what they should have for dinner. I have seen my poor daughter run ragged by their demands yet do nothing to stop them. The children are wonderful with me but as soon as their mom shows up the children start ranting and raving. I try to make suggestions to my daughter, but she just won't listen. Hoping you can help. -Gramma Dear Gramma, First, let me thank you for taking the time to write in. I know that there are many grandparents lending a babysitting hand to their children and I commend all of you. You are building a bond with your grandchildren that neither of you will ever forget. Now to the problem at hand: Let's face it- times they-are-a-changing. The children of today have many more choices than we ever did. Their parents also have many more opportunities and challenges that were not available to us. I say US because I also have adult children. Although I have not yet been blessed with grandchildren, I do understand the differences in child rearing that you and your daughter are facing. I suggest that you and your daughter spend some time together talking about the ins and outs of being a mom and a grandma. If you really listen to each other, I think you both will find you want the best for the children. You have the added concern that you want the best for your daughter too. I know it is hard to see her frazzled and your suggestions are meant to help, but they might be misconstrued as criticism. You might want to begin with some stories about your daughter as a child. Maybe something that she did that drove you crazy, and what you did to try and stop it. Let your daughter know that you made mistakes but in the end you are very proud with the results...her! Now let her know some of the strategies that you used that worked to curb behaviors. Let your daughter know you understand her life is different than yours and that your concerns are for both her and the children's well being. You might suggest that she and her husband and children talk about modifying some of those ideas to work in their own family. The ultimate goal here is for her family to start talking to each other and come up with a family set of rules that will allow the parents to be parents and the children to be children. Childhood is the time to push the rules and take the consequences, but there has to be rules first. Your job is to follow those rules too. You can have Grandma House Rules but try to have them coordinate as often as possible with the Family Rules. The consistency will benefit everyone. I hope you won't mind if I take this opportunity to thank my parents and in-laws for their help with my children. We all know that raising children is wonderful but challenging. How nice it is to know that grandparents are often just a phone call away. Until next time, be well. -Deb |