Date: 6/15/2023
Summer can be a great time to talk to your teen about dating and we have some suggestions about how to get started.
1. Starting the conversation. Everyday situations can offer a natural way to ease into a conversation. Maybe it’s a scene from a movie or a news story. You might ask, “What do you think about that?” Don’t lecture, just share your views. Try to listen more than you talk and respect your teen’s opinions.
2. Talking about consent. Talk to your teen about how to ask for consent and how to make sure a yes is really a yes. If someone says “Okay, I guess” your teen will want to ask more questions, get a clear answer, and make sure their partner knows it is okay to say no.
Also, talk about how to say no and set boundaries. Practice phrases like “I’d rather not” or “I don’t want to do this.” Let them know that they can take back their consent at any time. And remember, if one person in a relationship has more power than the other it can be difficult or even dangerous to say no. If you sense this is the case, shift the conversation to the health of the relationship and make sure your teen knows you are there to support them.
3. Talking about what makes a relationship healthy. A healthy relationship has basic elements: respect, communication, trust, boundaries, honesty, shared decision making, and equality. A good partner understands you need to have your own friendships and interests. Sometimes you will disagree and that’s okay as long as you feel you can have an open, honest discussion. You should feel free to express yourself and make decisions that are best for you.
4. Talking about red flags. A partner who tries to control you (what you wear, who you see, where you go, who you text) isn’t respecting you. Sometimes a teen may ask their partner to quit things they love, like basketball or a club. Ask your teen what they think about that. A dating partner should be supportive of their interests. Extreme jealousy and possessive, blaming, gas lighting or manipulative behavior, and isolation are also red flags. A partner who thinks they are more important than you and that they have a right to put you down or hurt you is not a safe partner.
5. Knowing where you and your teen can learn more or get help. More guidance on all these issues can be found at www.loveisrespect.org (chat, text, call features), and www.teachconsent.org (video, parent discussion guide, and parent tips). Locally, the Center for Women and Community (888-337-0800) at UMass Amherst has teen services, and A Call for Change Helpline (877-898-3411) works with teens and adults who cause harm but want to learn to be safe.
Thank you for having these challenging conversations with the teens in your life, and for being part of a community that cares.
Southern Hilltown Domestic Violence Task Force
This letter was signed by task force members Stephanie Conway, Lisa Goding, Lindsey Maxwell, Dan Kennedy, Monica Moran and Donna Larocque.
