Grief may weigh heavier during pandemic holiday seasonDate: 12/21/2020 SPRINGFIELD – According to Merriam Webster, grief is defined as a “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”
In many ways, it is exactly that word, “grief,” which explains the pervasive mood of society; a mourning, in a sense, of the way our lives unfolded before the scourge of COVID-19. It describes not just the horrible toll the coronavirus pandemic has wrought on the lives of so many families across our nation, it also embodies the overwhelming sense that we’ve lost our norm.
“Things that were routines, our ability to be a community, to make connections, our outside freedoms, all of that shattered [with the pandemic],” Dr. Edna Rodriguez, licensed clinical psychologist and director of Clinical Assessment and Ambulatory Clinical programs for Providence Behavioral Health Hospital recently told Reminder Publishing. “We lost our way of living and things we didn’t have to think about now we do.
“There’s a lot of grief this year,” Rodriguez acknowledged. Even something as simple as losing the freedom to go out shopping without fear of contagion, and the need to shift to online purchasing, can produce feelings of grief – and sometimes anger – especially among elders who are already mourning the loss of so much they are accustomed to, she said.
That sense of grief, Rodriguez said, can make the normal stress of the holiday season seem more acute for everyone. Despite the images of joyful Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s events depicted on the flood of Lifetime and Hallmark movies, the 2020 holiday season is going to look much different for most, if not all.
“All the gatherings and all the expectations, the [ideal] ‘Hallmark’ Christmas and how we think things should be – when things don’t match those expectations, people experience grief [over] not reaching those expectations,” she said. “Now, it’s a sense of ‘What do we do?’–there’s not an ideal anymore – we’re all starting from scratch to find ways to stay connected.”
She applauded the way many are adapting – finding ways to connect with family and friends virtually through platforms such as Zoom or Skype. But in terms of human emotions, Rodriguez acknowledged the internet is a poor substitute.
“It’s not the same as hugging and kissing your loved one and letting them know you are there for them,” she said.
However, the simple act of staying away from a vulnerable loved one as the pandemic numbers are surging is a way of saying “I love you, and I care about you,” she reminded.
Making the most of what we have
“All of us in the world are challenged in finding a way to stay connected [right now],” Rodriguez said. “Those moments of the phone calls, those video calls take on a new meaning.”
Part of what we take from those moments has to do with how we approach them, she continued.
“You can say this year sucks and all the horrible things that have happened, or [you] can say, ‘I love you and I’m here right now’ - what we give to those moments of connection and interaction, that is what’s important.” Rodriguez shared.
However, for those suffering the effects of ongoing – possibly untreated or undertreated – anxiety and depression this holiday season, making those connections may be harder, Rodriguez said.
“When people are depressed, they are going to conceptualize everything through the lens of depression; when they are anxious, they will [see] everything through the lens of their anxiety” – and both are conditions that make it harder for people to see the positive in what is possible this year.
“There are people who are going to suffer significantly and I think it’s important to acknowledge that,” she said. “Being able to change [your] outlook on a situation is easier for someone who does not have a mental illness than for someone who does.”
Mourning a death has no schedule
Rodriguez said those who are facing this holiday season following the death of a loved one this year – either due to COVID-19 or another cause – may find the situation doubly difficult to cope with.
“Historically one of ways to help people move on after a death – funerals and social gatherings – these are things that have changed [this year]; they are not happening like they traditionally did because of COVID restrictions,” Rodriguez said. “We are seeing that people are experiencing grief and there is a lot of guilt, anger and frustration around the loss of loved ones around COVID and the issue of [not] having social support, which is so important when you have lost someone.
“You don’t have the moments of the funeral, last moments with a loved one to recall,” Rodriguez continued. “There is a lot of anger with the lack of that connection with somebody you love. Especially with COVID, people were isolated.
“If you are a survivor of someone who died of COVID, those are things that are going to roll through your head and make things more difficult,” she explained.
Though our culture often expects us to “move on” from our grief, Rodriguez said especially now, “We have to take a pause and acknowledge that those feelings are there, and allow us to feel those uncomfortable feelings, it’s actually what makes grief more manageable.”
For people who are struggling with unresolved grief, Rodriguez said it is important to reach out for help, be it from your religious affiliation, a support group, or a professional. “Rather than trying to avoid or look the other way, these are feelings that need to be acknowledged and shared with someone else,” she stressed.
“The most important thing is that people know that grief is a human experience, and it’s coming from all directions right now,” Rodriguez said. “I think that the other component is that we just grieved in March when things closed and now this has been a continuing, ongoing grief. Every season has its traditions and its gatherings and we have continually lost those since March. Those things that make you feel normal, that connection with other people, that caused chronic stress and I think it is important to acknowledge and manage.
“Yes it is difficult, yes it is hard, but we still need to figure out a way to keep us moving forward and make the best of the situation that we have,” Rodriguez said. “That’s resiliency right there, and it has been a year of [learning] resilience for many people.
“Medicine and science are moving forward and hopefully next year, we will have a different holiday, and appreciate things in a different way,” Rodriguez added.
|
