Widows group to walk for funds
SPRINGFIELD - They call themselves "Les Girls." But don't let the name fool you. They're not the next pop singing sensations.
These "girls" like to have fun, but what brought them together was something quite serious the death of their husbands.
The eight area women formed a special bond while participating in a six-week Spousal Loss Group offered by the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice. And they enjoyed each other's company so much and the comfort they derived from one another in the support group that they decided to continue meeting socially calling themselves "Les Girls."
Three years later, the eight women, one of whom now jokingly refers to herself as a "bereavement groupie," pick up the phone and call one another whenever someone needs a "little pick me up." And, they do fun things together such as going to the beach, symphony concerts, and out to dinner, often celebrating one another's birthdays.
And now some in the group are preparing to give back to the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice by walking together in the 10th anniversary Step Out for Hospice fund raising walk on May 19 at Forest Park in Springfield.
"I remember when these eight lovely women began the six week program with me. The difference then to now is phenomenal..they have grown so much," said group leader and social worker Mary Sheehan, who recently retired from the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice, but who keeps in touch with the women.
"It doesn't mean they no longer grieve, they will for the rest of their lives, but they have learned to integrate death and grief into their lives and have managed to move forward," she added.
But while the women get together for good times now, their participation in the Spousal Loss Group was hard work.
"When my husband passed away at home after being on hospice for only five days, the nurses and social workers were a great help to me," said Winnie Hopfe of Longmeadow. "I later read in one of their newsletters about a bereavement support group, but didn't have a ride to get to the first meeting, so Mary (Sheehan) made arrangements and within 10 minutes another woman from the group called and said she would pick me up..just getting into her car I felt at home because now I knew I had someone to talk to who really understood what I was going through."
For anyone who might think attending a bereavement group and hearing others talk about their pain and loss would only add to their own sadness, "it isn't the case" said several of the women.
"In their pain you could see their courage, and hearing other women tell their stories and seeing their strength, that actually gave the rest of us courage," said a group member, who asked that her name be kept confidential.
Another group member who also asked for anonymity, said she did have reservations at first about seeing others in pain.
"A friend asked me to attend with her, but at first my thought was that I didn't want to go and see people crying. But I did eventually go with her and soon learned that what I was feeling about loss was normal, and it was good to be in a room with other people who had lost their spouses..their best friends. And these were people who knew how you felt and didn't say, "Hurray up and get over it," like some might tell you," she said.
When Debbie George's husband left the hospital, the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice followed him home. "Our hospice nurse realized more than I did, and she encouraged me to have our son and his children come over for supper that night. Early the next morning we needed some medicine for my husband, and they were there within an hour. He passed away later that afternoon," George said.
"Hospice helped me much more than my husband, only because he had the benefit of what they had to offer for just two days. Mary (Sheehan) was truly a strength for all of us. I had such a great sense of peace every time I got together with these women..we cried, we laughed," she said about attending the Spousal Loss Group.
Claire Cohen Stelzer of Longmeadow said she found support from the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice even before attending the Spousal Loss Group.
"The night before my husband died, it was very hard. I had called hospice several times during the day and when I called late at 10 p.m., someone came out to bring medication for my husband and to reassure me. She gave me an ear and a sense of calmness of not being alone..it was good to have them," Cohen Stelzer said.
"I thought the Spousal Loss Group was a very safe place and loving environment where you could go for solace with other strong women who were hurting," she added.
Sheehan incorporated several therapeutic exercises for the women during group sessions, including creating their own personal decoupage in memory of their husbands.
"It made me realize what a wonderful marriage we had," said Sandy Anziano of Chicopee, whose husband died of colon cancer.
"Mary brought in all these magazines, along with scissors, glue and poster board, and we had to cut pictures from the magazines that represented our lives with our husbands. For example, I cut out a fisherman in one of the magazines because my husband loved to fish," she added.
And, if someone were to ask Sandy her advice about attending the Spousal Loss Group, she would tell them to "definitely do it."
"It helps so much to be able to say something to the group that might sound silly to others, but they understand and feel like you do. After joining the group, I wasn't alone anymore. These women are now my sisters," she said.
Another group member, who also asked to withhold her name, noted she came to the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice via a "unique method."
"My husband had actually died four years before, but a friend who was already attending the group thought I needed therapy and asked Mary if she could bring me along," laughed the Longmeadow woman, who noted she and her husband were "joined at the hip..married for 34 years."
"All of the exercises that Mary provided for us helped to open the emotional doors, but for me the biggest thing was when she had us write letters to our husbands. I didn't love it at first, and it was the hardest thing I had ever done, but once I began writing the words seemed to flow and it was probably the most healing thing I did. The letter put it altogether for me and I finally accepted my husband's death as final..no tuning back," she added.
"It's like a part of you is torn away when you lose your husband..you don't know what to do, I just felt so awful and empty," said Sandy Webster of Agawam, whose husband died three years ago.
"I also lost my job right after my husband died, and the group helped me to continue functioning," she added.
This year's Step Out for Hospice walk - a scenic route through Forest Park in Springfield - will step off at 10 a.m. from the grandstand area at Forest Park.
Step Out for Hospice participants raise sponsorships from their friends, family and coworkers which help pay for the compassionate end of life care of patients and their families provided by the Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice.
"Few people realize that without community support Hospice services could not exist. The cost of providing care often exceeds the reimbursement. Gifts from former Hospice families, friends, and supporters help care for current hospice patients and families. Our supporters may not stand at a bedside, but they are very much a part of our hospice team and we are grateful for their kindness and generosity," said Ruth Odgren, president, Baystate Visiting Nurse Association & Hospice.
Last year's walkers raised a record total of nearly $90,000.
Participants, especially those who cannot walk on the day of the event, but who still want to do their share, can maximize donations to support Step Out for Hospice by visiting www.firstgiving.com/sofh to create their own personal website for giving.
Joining Gold Sponsor Colebrook Realty Services, Inc., are Silver Sponsors Health New England, Reeds Landing, The Dennis Group, LLC, Kinsley Power Systems, Heritage Hall Campus, and TD Banknorth.
The Baystate Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice is committed to providing comfort and support to patients and their loved ones during the final journey of life. The goal of hospice is to help patients and their families achieve the highest quality of living, as well as recognizing dying as a natural process and part of life's continuum.
To obtain walk papers, or for more information call 413-827-4535 or email stepoutforhospice@bhs.org.
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